The Art of Punishment

I didn't have the Happiest of Childhoods.  Lots of things happened (that I am NOT going to get into here) and it made me to never want to have kids.  Then I met My Hubby and I thought "ok, MAYBE I will have one kid" and then BOOM we got pregnant and then we had another (so the first one wasn't lonely) and then another (oopsie).

I swore when I had this little life in me that I would do whatever I could to let her/him have a better childhood than mine.  I would play with them, cook and make projects with them, have parties and do my best to give them anything they need to be happy (that we can afford...I mean really people, some of these lessons and things are too expensive and no one needs lacrosse or drama at 3).  I was able to find gymnastics/dance/swim at reasonable prices and I also was very lucky to find a pre-school not too far away that had the perfect hours (with no volunteering, WOO!) and again a great price.  I think I did good and the kids seem to agree.  They don't want for anything.  They don't seem to whine (too much).  They ask for reasonable things and the lessons I can provide for them are fun and affordable.  They seem happy.

When they turned 5 they went to the all-day kindergarden that my town has (again, WOO!).  School starts to become more important in 4th and 5th grade and then they are shipped to middle school where it becomes: ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES THE KIDS CRAZY.   I understand this and I know everyone needs downtime.  Its hard to provide downtime tho' when you have a kid who takes forever to do any kind of homework (Calculus = 2 hours, Crossword puzzle = 2 hours, Reading one chapter = 2 hours).

My husband and I have always stressed that Homework is First and everything else comes second.  Lately, its been more of a struggle because she wants extra-curricular activities and then she wants to make money babysitting and she needs to exercise...and she takes forever doing her homework.  When all of this happens on one night and she is up late let me tell you of the cranky! (Oh BOY!)

This is my little girl, my first girl, The Diva who dances around the house, loves dress up, is super helpful and patient with her brother and sister.  She holds my hand and give me hugs.  And she is growing up and I can't wait to see the woman she is becoming.

ENTER FRIDAY *DUN DUN DUUUNNNNN*

We got a call from a teacher who told us that she wasn't handing in homework, grades are being affected, "I don't think she will be ready for the tests this week"...and I froze in my tracks.

Let's backtrack a bit.  She pulled this kind of thing on us right before the holidaze and LIED about what she had to do and what she was assigned.  She did a great job of hiding all of it from us (I'm sure it was easy due to family and parties) then she got an F on her progress report (and she freaked out).  She swore it will be fine and it would never happen again.  We can contact all the teachers and see if there was anything else and really it would NEVER happen again.

And yet, here we are.

At the time of the progress report, both my husband and I thought that since she has now seen the effect of a failing grade and she had shown remorse it seemed to be punishment enough.   We don't like to punish.  Time-outs happen and we talk about why they were in time-out (jumping off the table is not acceptable behavior) but we don't like to take away anything from our kids unless we have to.  We have always explained our actions and we give plenty of warning before we lay out anything (If you do that one. more. time. the game goes away).

This was different and we knew we had to set an example.  Weeks ago, we told her that if she didn't straighten up she would lose the play.  She fell behind and we caught her lying and we gave her at least 3 or 4 more chances to do the right thing.  Then we got the phone call.  And I looked at My Hubby and I said "I don't want to take away the play.  She has a good part!  UGH!  Why couldn't she just tell the truth?  Or ask us for help?  Why do we have to do this?!  I don't want to be the parent!!!"

No parent (except for a sick few) takes any joy in punishing a child, seeing them cry is heart-wrenching and all you want to do is make it stop and make them happy.  And yet, as parents, we have to "make them cry" so we know that they know that what they did is wrong and they are feeling remorse.  We have to be firm and we have to be the bad guy and it Sucks. Royally.

When she came home I calmly took her upstairs to her room.  I asked her for all her electronics, and the script, and the CD's.  Then I told her that she was grounded.  This means she can't watch TV or any videos on the computer and she can't go to the events planned for that weekend...which included a Girl Scout overnight.  And. She. SCREAMED....and I closed the door.

I had never actually heard her scream like this.  It was sad and pathetic and it should have made me run back in and ask what was wrong.  But I went downstairs and held my head in my hands.  And I waited.  Because once you punish, all you can do is wait for the "sentence" to be over.  When I went back upstairs she was still in tears but she was doing her homework.  She pleaded with me to let her go to the overnight.  If she finished everything could she still go?  The answer was no, because she had lied for months about this.  Every time she danced downstairs singing she had finished her homework was a lie.  She begged me to just take away the play but not the overnight.  Truthfully, none of this was what we warned her about  but how could we let her do anything when we warned her not to test us to see the consequences.  Its stupid to say "Fine I'll take away the play and you can go to the party with your friends."  That is not how it works.  I looked at her and said, calmly, "I can't do that."  My insides were burning and I felt sick.

Saturday came and I left.  I don't think she thought that I would ACTUALLY leave the house without her. My Hubby told me that he held her while she cried it out.  But now she knew.  She knew this was not something we were going to back down from.  Lessons (hopefully) learned.  When I came home I didn't get a happy greeting from her.  I could tell she was really mad at me.  But what could I do?  I had to be the parent...and parents sometimes get the crappy end of the deal.  I couldn't care that she hated me or not.  I was the grown up.  It was almost like my punishment for letting her get away with it for so long.

Things have settled down since the weekend and because so many things were taken away from her (and she still isn't allowed her electronics or the TV) we were able to give her back the play.  And I could tell that she was genuinely happy to have the script back in her hands.  We gave her the script with a warning, if she falls behind again we call the drama coach and she is out.  She knows we aren't kidding and I think she is sincere.  She hugged me and said "Thank you" and kissed me on the cheek and then said "I love you".  Even after all of this, inside she is still the little girl who wants to help and snuggle and hold your hand when she walks down the street.  And inside of me is still the parent who would do anything for her...so she can be happy.

Blessed Ostara!

A Very Blessed Equinox to you!

Strength of Sun begins to grow, Seeds in dirt we set to sow.

Welcome signs of Spring's rebirth, New life emerges on the Earth.

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That's nice....isn't it?  But what if you are NOT feeling it?

There are changes happening but they involve people other than yourself and trying to work on yourself when you are in charge of 3(4) people is very difficult indeed.

No one said that there would be all this paperwork and scheduling.  No one said that there would be all of this frustration and angst.  No one said how lonely the whole thing would be and how you would lose perspective of what you looked like and presented to the world.  

A lot of it is growing pains, of cracking open the hard earth to let in water and change how you are and think.  That is spring.  Is this how Mother Earth feels?  Winter had all of us inside and she can handle a few rabbits and squirrels here and there...But once the sun gets warmer outside she has alot more to think about...more animals to tend it to and take care of.  More water and mud to watch out for.  More people walking around.  She probably enjoys the life forming but don't you think it would be hard to schedule all of that?   Can you imagine scheduling all of that?  More sports and more activities and planning for summer...I know I get frustrated and lost in the chaos...imagine what she feels like!

GAH!

I think spring always does this to me because of the sudden ramping up of EVERYTHING plus the annual "but I want to look good in a bathing suit this summer" ritual of trying to lose weight and get better about being healthy.  It is never gradual *and* it always happens when I am not ready for it.  February is fine and nice and then March hits and there are a few things and then April and BOOM...there is no more time and you are in the middle of...chaos.

GAH, indeed.

I am not going to sit here and say that we should embrace the chaos.  What I am going to say is, I feel the chaos and that it is overwhelming.  I will also say that I will do my best to take a moment everyday to see the miracle of life right before us as trees blossom and flowers bloom.  I just may be doing that in the car driving a little person to some activity or another (I know other moms who will be doing it on the soccer field).  And that is ok...Because spring is still here and that is life.  And life, no matter how chaotic, is good.

Safe From Shame

I may post something else today (or tomorrow) but here is a wonderful website that I was pointed to from Rouge Priest.  It is called Safe From Shame and she has some wonderful insight to loving yourself (or not), being the best you can be (or taking a moment) and the Judgy McJudgerson's out there who say things (when they should put a sock in it).

Enjoy and I'll be back!

Safe from Shame

Tooting My Own Horn

My self esteem has been pretty low lately.  I have never (really) cared about what people think but I have gone through waves of "This is great" to "I am crap".  I guess everyone does that a little bit but I feel that this is a theme of my life since forever.  Last year I thought having a job would help give me a boost but it left me more exhausted.  Yes, I was a little proud of what I did and it did give me a boost but when I had to quit I fell deep into another hole of "I am crap"... more like this song.

JUST A HOUSEWIFE?

It really doesn't matter if you call it a "Stay-at-home-Mom/Dad" or a "domestic engineer", it adds up to "a person who's main function is to care for the home and kids while someone else makes the money". Ancient Rome honored women with this title.  Since the men were allowed to go out and be in the military and the Senate and their minds were on "higher things" when they came home they were not allowed to run or question anything that their wives did.  The wives were in charge of the home and as such would not tolerate any back talk from the men as they didn't know what went on when they weren't there.  At least that is what researchers say happened...

Enter the women's movement and its all about choice...more importantly THAT YOU HAVE A CHOICE.  The idea that a woman has to go gently into that dark night of housewifery because of an arranged marriage or "my daddy says so" is (hopefully) gone in America and women can choose to have kids, or not...work, or not...be in charge of the house, or not.  Awesome right?  Well, yes but it can still leave some of us filling the holes that we feel with loads of other things (soap operas of the 70's and 80's became Facebook and Pinterest of the 2000's).

Since this post is about tooting my own horn (especially when I feel like I don't do anything) I am making a list of what it is I do each day:

1. Get kids up and dressed and fed and help pack lunchboxes
2. Get coffee and husband up and running (hmmm....not meant to be porny but ok)
3. Get myself healthy by walking 3 times a week for 5K (up to a jog on 2 of those k's)
4. Keep myself on track with good choices to eat despite all the sweets in the house
5. Keep my family on track to have healthy meals despite all the sweets in the house
6. Let the family have a break on the healthy stuff by providing the sweets in the house
7. Go shopping for food or supplies for the house and try to find the best prices for these things
8. Cook the healthy meals and snacks
9. Run errands such as bank, post office, dry cleaning, and pet supplies
10. Pay the bills
11. Keep the house in good order so I don't go insane
12. Do. The. Laundry.
13. Feed pets and clean their mess
14. Research fun things to do for Girl Scouts/Boy Scouts
15. Run the meetings for these things (or help run these things)
16. Call insurance companies for doctor's visits and negotiate terms
17. Make appointments for doctors/dentists/mechanic
18. Shuttle everyone to and from doctors/dentists
19. Volunteer in school for something (or go see something in school) because that is what the kids want
20. Bring children to all the extra stuff that they wanted to be signed up for
21. Pick children up from all the extra stuff that they wanted to be signed up for
22. Get special project stuff from stores that the kids "need" for whatever it is they are doing
23. Go clothes/shoe shopping with kids because suddenly things don't fit anymore
24. Help with homework
25. Gently nudge (or yell) at children to go do their homework
26. Serve dinner in a timely manner so children can go to bed
27. Give the kids some time to themselves (which usually had them finding me)
28. Get kids to go upstairs and take showers, teeth brushing, clean rooms
29. Snuggle and read stories or talk about the day
30. Sit on couch and fold laundry OR Go into kitchen and clean up
31. Collapse on couch while watching a show
32. Go up to bed and sleep until the alarm sounds so I can do it all again

This is a typical day and it doesn't include what I *may* do for me (in the 15-30 minutes in between all of that) like:

1. Yoga
2. Quilting
3. Reading
4. Singing
5. Breathing
6. Facebook
7. Email friends
8. Pinterest

AND this list does not include any fun things that we may do as a family on the weekends or seeing friends or going out on a date with the hubby (wait...that is a good idea...I should check the calendar...)

So yes...I am just a Housewife.  

AND I am a damn good one.

The Egg and Mary Magdalin

A fascinating piece From Patheos about easter/ostara and the Goddess in all of us...