Sunday, July 24, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Control
When you decide to become a mother you are making a huge sacrifice in control. I believe that is one of the First Lessons of Motherhood. When you are pregnant you are told of a "Due Date" and so you plan everything by that date and when it comes and goes and you are still huge and pregnant you start to see that maybe this isn't what you signed up for. My babies were all born at 41.5 weeks and I was lucky to be able to do it naturally. I know many moms that loved having a planned C-Section so they can know when that baby is coming. Its something they can control, because once the baby is out it is not in your control anymore. You don't know what kind of baby you are going to get, easy and sleepy or colicky and fussy? You are also not in control of your body anymore. You give up your breasts so you can feed them. You give up sleep so you can take care of them when they are little. All mothers give up a job - even if its just for a few months - when a baby is born. We give up all this control because babies are helpless and they need you. It has its reward because babies are freaking cute and sweet and we love that smile we get when we walk into the room. We are happy taking care of them (even if we are a bit deprived ourselves) but even though we gave up control of so many things we can be in control of what they are wearing and where they go. Its kind of a Quid pro Quo and life is good.
When the Baby becomes a Toddler they still need us but there is a demand now. We may have gotten our body back and (hopefully) some sleep but the Toddler is in control of what you do. Again, this can be a good thing - they can tell us what they want without crying. And sometimes it drives us crazy because if they want something outside of our control (usually time when there is none) they will demand that this is changed - i.e. they do not want the stroller thankyouverymuch, they "do myself". What they are really after is your attention as much as humanly possible. I used to call my kids "my Stalkers" because they followed me everywhere and I never got a moment alone...until sweet, sweet naptime. But control over schedules is slowly eroding away...even when a toddler is on a good schedule its only a matter of time before the nap is over and then we have them with us (and in our faces) all. the. time. For me when the Toddler turned 2 and 3 it starts to feel like a prison sentence and you are waiting for your parole (i.e. pre-school) when you can get out and be alone for a few hours a week. And it is bliss...Until you realize all the things you can do when they are in pre-school and then you sacrifice your precious hour alone with multi-tasking and trying to see if you can squeeze in a grocery run before you have to go get them. Beware the Danger of getting pregnant in the middle of all of this, because that means more sacrifice and even less control and you may think you don't have anything more to give...your second (third) child will prove this wrong.
When the Toddlers turn into Kids there is a lot more independence and some hours alone (Goddess Bless the School System) but you are still not in control of your life...they are. Now its all about the school concert or play, or the field trip that you promised you would come to, the Scout meeting, the extra lesson before the game, The Game, etc. This particular week for me has been about driving one child 10 miles to a camp while the other children are in a local camp (at the same time) and trying to coordinate how they are getting picked up. Even with a bit of glorious alone time in the middle of drop off and pick up I am still waiting on them and picking up their things and trying to remember their schedule...while cleaning and organizing the house and myself.
I read the book "Surrendering to Motherhood" by Iris Krasnow when I had 2 babies and I was losing my mind. It helped me to see that my decision to have these kids and take care of them was a type of surrender to them. It helped me to let go of things that I couldn't control (the weather) and find what I could control (playtime) to have fun with my kids. Maybe I should read that book again but I don't think it deals with the grade school set as well as it deals with the Toddler set. Toddlers really don't understand WHY you need time away from them (that's just crazy talk right there) surrendering to them (even when you really don't want to) is what has to be done because they don't understand that Mommy Needs Space. You have to let go of that willingly and set up a system (partner comes home early, mother's helpers, nice neighbor) so you can have some time. Grade School kids understand that everybody needs some alone/down time but they don't necessarily care...because its all about them right? Mommy's feelings couldn't possibly count, could they?
My kids are good kids but, now that they are older, I think I can have the control I once had over my life. I can go to the store on my own and take some time at the gym. However, I still don't have total control - they are big kids but they are still kids. Even though they can choose what they want to do, like playing on the computer or watching awful sitcoms/cartoons that they find funny, they still play off each other and ask me to intercede or play a game with them. The emotional and physical exhaustion sets in because you think they can do these things on their own and you are struggling with being nice to them and trying to be understanding but all you really want to say is "go away and let me think". I have been very frustrated with them lately and I have been lashing out, telling them to do it themselves and being a little more mouthy to them (which doesn't score me points in the popularity contests around here). Maybe I need to surrender to them a little more often or maybe I need to have them help me problem solve this.
The fact is kids grow up and as the adult you aren't expected to control them but let them explore their surroundings. You can't control who your kid is friends with when they are in middle school. You can't control your time if your child has any obligations outside of the home. Control in this situation isn't about controlling the kids...this time its about controlling yourself, reminding yourself not to be frustrated or mouthy. Its about remembering that you chose this path and your kid, who you feel represents you, isn't you. They are their own person and they are allowed to screw up on their own.
My son was hit by a car this summer. He wasn't doing anything that he wouldn't have done with me. He just didn't look while crossing the street. What happened would've happened whether I was there or not. It was out of my control. My first reaction was to beat myself up or yell at him. What I did do was try to calm him down and try to not freak out. Luckily he was alright (just some stitches needed) and what he needed was a mom in control of her emotions so that the right medical decisions could be made. It was a very stressful situation but, because I was in control, it ended well for everyone.
Motherhood is Forever...something you don't really think about when they are small and in your arms. Control is holding your breath, trusting them and letting them go. Surrendering them to the world...and don't worry too much...they always come back...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJONY9FndlU
When the Baby becomes a Toddler they still need us but there is a demand now. We may have gotten our body back and (hopefully) some sleep but the Toddler is in control of what you do. Again, this can be a good thing - they can tell us what they want without crying. And sometimes it drives us crazy because if they want something outside of our control (usually time when there is none) they will demand that this is changed - i.e. they do not want the stroller thankyouverymuch, they "do myself". What they are really after is your attention as much as humanly possible. I used to call my kids "my Stalkers" because they followed me everywhere and I never got a moment alone...until sweet, sweet naptime. But control over schedules is slowly eroding away...even when a toddler is on a good schedule its only a matter of time before the nap is over and then we have them with us (and in our faces) all. the. time. For me when the Toddler turned 2 and 3 it starts to feel like a prison sentence and you are waiting for your parole (i.e. pre-school) when you can get out and be alone for a few hours a week. And it is bliss...Until you realize all the things you can do when they are in pre-school and then you sacrifice your precious hour alone with multi-tasking and trying to see if you can squeeze in a grocery run before you have to go get them. Beware the Danger of getting pregnant in the middle of all of this, because that means more sacrifice and even less control and you may think you don't have anything more to give...your second (third) child will prove this wrong.
When the Toddlers turn into Kids there is a lot more independence and some hours alone (Goddess Bless the School System) but you are still not in control of your life...they are. Now its all about the school concert or play, or the field trip that you promised you would come to, the Scout meeting, the extra lesson before the game, The Game, etc. This particular week for me has been about driving one child 10 miles to a camp while the other children are in a local camp (at the same time) and trying to coordinate how they are getting picked up. Even with a bit of glorious alone time in the middle of drop off and pick up I am still waiting on them and picking up their things and trying to remember their schedule...while cleaning and organizing the house and myself.
I read the book "Surrendering to Motherhood" by Iris Krasnow when I had 2 babies and I was losing my mind. It helped me to see that my decision to have these kids and take care of them was a type of surrender to them. It helped me to let go of things that I couldn't control (the weather) and find what I could control (playtime) to have fun with my kids. Maybe I should read that book again but I don't think it deals with the grade school set as well as it deals with the Toddler set. Toddlers really don't understand WHY you need time away from them (that's just crazy talk right there) surrendering to them (even when you really don't want to) is what has to be done because they don't understand that Mommy Needs Space. You have to let go of that willingly and set up a system (partner comes home early, mother's helpers, nice neighbor) so you can have some time. Grade School kids understand that everybody needs some alone/down time but they don't necessarily care...because its all about them right? Mommy's feelings couldn't possibly count, could they?
My kids are good kids but, now that they are older, I think I can have the control I once had over my life. I can go to the store on my own and take some time at the gym. However, I still don't have total control - they are big kids but they are still kids. Even though they can choose what they want to do, like playing on the computer or watching awful sitcoms/cartoons that they find funny, they still play off each other and ask me to intercede or play a game with them. The emotional and physical exhaustion sets in because you think they can do these things on their own and you are struggling with being nice to them and trying to be understanding but all you really want to say is "go away and let me think". I have been very frustrated with them lately and I have been lashing out, telling them to do it themselves and being a little more mouthy to them (which doesn't score me points in the popularity contests around here). Maybe I need to surrender to them a little more often or maybe I need to have them help me problem solve this.
The fact is kids grow up and as the adult you aren't expected to control them but let them explore their surroundings. You can't control who your kid is friends with when they are in middle school. You can't control your time if your child has any obligations outside of the home. Control in this situation isn't about controlling the kids...this time its about controlling yourself, reminding yourself not to be frustrated or mouthy. Its about remembering that you chose this path and your kid, who you feel represents you, isn't you. They are their own person and they are allowed to screw up on their own.
My son was hit by a car this summer. He wasn't doing anything that he wouldn't have done with me. He just didn't look while crossing the street. What happened would've happened whether I was there or not. It was out of my control. My first reaction was to beat myself up or yell at him. What I did do was try to calm him down and try to not freak out. Luckily he was alright (just some stitches needed) and what he needed was a mom in control of her emotions so that the right medical decisions could be made. It was a very stressful situation but, because I was in control, it ended well for everyone.
Motherhood is Forever...something you don't really think about when they are small and in your arms. Control is holding your breath, trusting them and letting them go. Surrendering them to the world...and don't worry too much...they always come back...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJONY9FndlU
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Wine Interactive
I like to drink. Specifically, I like to drink Wine. I have always enjoyed wine. When I was younger I loved wine coolers. When I was in college I was introduced to red wines and I really fell in love. I do enjoy other drinks and other alcohol but if I want to unwind after a day I usually find a bottle on my wine rack.
I like expensive wines but you don't have to spend that kind of money to find a good wine. There are alot of great wines for under $20 a bottle out there. My favorites are Ravenswood Zinfindel, DeVinci Chianti, and Mommy's Time Out. These are all good table wines that are great right out of the bottle. I have tried some organic wines and my favorite is Ladybug Red but it seems that it is no longer being made.
I have had a craving for whites during this hot summer and I am enjoying The Beach House and Borealis, which is an organic wine. They are crisp and refreshing and light after a hot and humid day. Both of these were recommended by a salesman since I am not really acquainted with white wines anymore. I am fortunate to have 3 great wine stores nearby with very knowledgeable staff and great recommendations. If you want to try a different wine you shouldn't be afraid to ask the salesperson or manager. I asked one manager for a pairing to go with shellfish and he recommended a Rose...I don't usually like Rose wines. This one paired beautifully.
YOUR TURN
What wines do you have at the end of a long day? Do you only drink while out? Who would be interested in a wine tasting?
Raising a Glass
DM
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I just want to be your friend...
Confession time:
I am not a subtle person. I am not a quiet person. If you want to know what I think about something be prepared for an honest answer. If I am irritated about something you will know it. I promise that although I am harsh at times I will be a loyal friend and willing to go to the ends of the earth for you. If you call me and you need something I will do my damnedest to find a way to do it or get it to you. If you are in trouble I will find a way to get there or find a way to listen to your needs.
Being a brash New Yorker living in subtle New England can be interesting. Some people are completely TURNED OFF by the honesty that hits them in the face. Some people are completely charmed by it, thinking its the breath of fresh air that is totally needed. Sometimes I think of myself as a personification of the weather up here. The weather can be awesome, blistering, and overwhelming. So can I. I don't go out of my way to be ridiculous. I have accepted that this is who I am and I am not going to hide it to be your friend. I shouldn't have to. I feel that honesty is better than hiding and that is what I do.
It can be difficult to raise someone who is Just. Like. You. On one hand, you realize all the things that your parents did WRONG and you try to fix it (being more understanding, taking them out more, getting them that big wheel that you always wanted). On the other hand you suddenly realize all the things that they may have done RIGHT, too. When faced with that reality, I believe the best course of action should be to balance and do the best by both worlds...and you really don't know until they are grown if what you did helped or hurt (and 7 year olds do not reply accurately to surveys and they tend to make up their own questions, too).
Each of my kids have pieces of my personality. The Diva has my lust for the stage and my quiet thoughtfulness. She wants to help and she will ask. She also has my attitude when it comes to people bullying her. She will ignore them and stand up for herself and then go to her room and isolate herself for the rest of the day. She will even isolate herself from her few friends. I have tried to help her with this and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. The best approach seems to be my mother's...leave her alone and she will find her way. She may always wind up being lonely but she will have loyal friends once she finds the people who want to be around her.
The Hummingbird has all of my kinetic energy. She is Smart. She can multitask and take direction great. Her brain is always 12 steps ahead of where the day is. She is a planner. She wants to be a part of the group but she wants it done her way and she finds it hard to compromise. She is creative and crafty. She turns people off with her needs-to-always-be-answering-the-questions-the-teacher/parents-ask. She needs to know that you heard her. The best approach for her seems to be keeping her engaged and not leaving her alone. She has friends, the problem is that she is so busy its hard for her to see them on a regular basis. I need to do better on this front and schedule playdates for her...if I can find the time...:)
The Boy is more like me then even *I* like to admit. He can be blistering. He is sensitive and will cry (or lash out) if you tease or make fun of him. He is funny and sweet and has a great way of looking at the world but he can be pissed off at a moments notice. He is not subtle. He is not quiet. He is loyal and will find a way to kiss you or hug you if you need it. One of the best stories I heard of him was when he was at a friend's house and that friend said he hated his mother. The Boy stood up and told his friend that he shouldn't ever say things like that. He then went over to the mom and apologized for his friend.
The Boy is a boy...he has ALOT of energy that needs to be burned and he needs to be physical...and he lives in a house of people who are Not. Like. That. Going out and walking, bike riding, swimming are all things he needs and we try to do this as much as we can but it can be difficult. He needs more but he doesn't have alot of friends because he can be harsh, and loud, and uncompromising. He also thinks that since he can't control himself all the time the way people want him to that no one likes him. His self-esteem can get pretty low.
I have a hard time helping him because on the one hand I don't want to leave him alone (he will wallow in the fact that "nobody likes him") and on the other hand bringing him out only increases his rowdiness. Video games seem to help him because they engage his brain so he is trying to problem solve rather than wallow...which is good....but he can't be in front of a screen all the time (or so I am told). The best way I have found to help him is just to be there for him and let him talk and try to be gentle...which is hard for me.
You can see the bind I'm in.
I hope I am doing the right thing. I hope my children feel that I am there for them and I am engaged. I hope they realize how much I love them everyday...even on days where Mommy is "not happy". I hope they realize that I am doing my best. I pray for the strength and insight to be the best for them.
In the meantime, I could use some company. Anyone want to hang with a Loving Loud Lady?
Raising a Glass,
DM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjVNlG5cZyQ
I am not a subtle person. I am not a quiet person. If you want to know what I think about something be prepared for an honest answer. If I am irritated about something you will know it. I promise that although I am harsh at times I will be a loyal friend and willing to go to the ends of the earth for you. If you call me and you need something I will do my damnedest to find a way to do it or get it to you. If you are in trouble I will find a way to get there or find a way to listen to your needs.
Being a brash New Yorker living in subtle New England can be interesting. Some people are completely TURNED OFF by the honesty that hits them in the face. Some people are completely charmed by it, thinking its the breath of fresh air that is totally needed. Sometimes I think of myself as a personification of the weather up here. The weather can be awesome, blistering, and overwhelming. So can I. I don't go out of my way to be ridiculous. I have accepted that this is who I am and I am not going to hide it to be your friend. I shouldn't have to. I feel that honesty is better than hiding and that is what I do.
It can be difficult to raise someone who is Just. Like. You. On one hand, you realize all the things that your parents did WRONG and you try to fix it (being more understanding, taking them out more, getting them that big wheel that you always wanted). On the other hand you suddenly realize all the things that they may have done RIGHT, too. When faced with that reality, I believe the best course of action should be to balance and do the best by both worlds...and you really don't know until they are grown if what you did helped or hurt (and 7 year olds do not reply accurately to surveys and they tend to make up their own questions, too).
Each of my kids have pieces of my personality. The Diva has my lust for the stage and my quiet thoughtfulness. She wants to help and she will ask. She also has my attitude when it comes to people bullying her. She will ignore them and stand up for herself and then go to her room and isolate herself for the rest of the day. She will even isolate herself from her few friends. I have tried to help her with this and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. The best approach seems to be my mother's...leave her alone and she will find her way. She may always wind up being lonely but she will have loyal friends once she finds the people who want to be around her.
The Hummingbird has all of my kinetic energy. She is Smart. She can multitask and take direction great. Her brain is always 12 steps ahead of where the day is. She is a planner. She wants to be a part of the group but she wants it done her way and she finds it hard to compromise. She is creative and crafty. She turns people off with her needs-to-always-be-answering-the-questions-the-teacher/parents-ask. She needs to know that you heard her. The best approach for her seems to be keeping her engaged and not leaving her alone. She has friends, the problem is that she is so busy its hard for her to see them on a regular basis. I need to do better on this front and schedule playdates for her...if I can find the time...:)
The Boy is more like me then even *I* like to admit. He can be blistering. He is sensitive and will cry (or lash out) if you tease or make fun of him. He is funny and sweet and has a great way of looking at the world but he can be pissed off at a moments notice. He is not subtle. He is not quiet. He is loyal and will find a way to kiss you or hug you if you need it. One of the best stories I heard of him was when he was at a friend's house and that friend said he hated his mother. The Boy stood up and told his friend that he shouldn't ever say things like that. He then went over to the mom and apologized for his friend.
The Boy is a boy...he has ALOT of energy that needs to be burned and he needs to be physical...and he lives in a house of people who are Not. Like. That. Going out and walking, bike riding, swimming are all things he needs and we try to do this as much as we can but it can be difficult. He needs more but he doesn't have alot of friends because he can be harsh, and loud, and uncompromising. He also thinks that since he can't control himself all the time the way people want him to that no one likes him. His self-esteem can get pretty low.
I have a hard time helping him because on the one hand I don't want to leave him alone (he will wallow in the fact that "nobody likes him") and on the other hand bringing him out only increases his rowdiness. Video games seem to help him because they engage his brain so he is trying to problem solve rather than wallow...which is good....but he can't be in front of a screen all the time (or so I am told). The best way I have found to help him is just to be there for him and let him talk and try to be gentle...which is hard for me.
You can see the bind I'm in.
I hope I am doing the right thing. I hope my children feel that I am there for them and I am engaged. I hope they realize how much I love them everyday...even on days where Mommy is "not happy". I hope they realize that I am doing my best. I pray for the strength and insight to be the best for them.
In the meantime, I could use some company. Anyone want to hang with a Loving Loud Lady?
Raising a Glass,
DM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjVNlG5cZyQ
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