Change of Heart

Its interesting - I just read last week's post and it seems so nice.

Too Bad there's a big fat dose of regret washing all over this page...

Sometimes, like RIGHT NOW, I get beyond frustrated at my life.  Generally when I get like this a speech starts up in my head "I don't want to be the mom responsible for this family!  I want to do my own thing and live in my own apartment away from all of this drama!  I should have gone to school for (insert dream here) instead of music.  I could have been someone."


I was supposed to be a singer/actress.  I did my best and auditioned.  I did have a band in NYC and I did play in some clubs...but it never really panned out.  The singing thing makes me more frustrated than anyone will ever understand.  I long to be on stage and doing that but my voice is not the same as it used to be and that is a hard pill to swallow.  And when you are surrounded by amazing musicians you can feel very small, like you don't matter.  It feels like no one cares but me...like its a secret that only I have.  I want to feel needed, I want the support and people pushing me to do better and be better.  I don't want to hang out in karaoke bars by myself and sing.  I want to go with people that I like that want to do this too.  I want to be a part of group that enjoys this and sings not just Christian songs but also great secular ones that work well with the group.

The church that I go to is a very nice place and community but they want too much of my time and all I really want are other pagans to practice with.  I don't want to worship in a Protestant space listening to what one person thinks should be with lesson this week.  I want to have a group that we ALL get a say as to what we talk about and we learn from each other.


Where do I want to be?  Not here.  I want to be traveling around the world and trying new foods and singing songs that someone writes for me.  I want to be someone's muse and I want to be a size 10 and eat all the ice cream I want.

*pout* *HURUMPH* *double pout*

Yes, I am having a tantrum.  Really, its no wonder.  Time is so over scheduled these days and I don't have any help.  I have no relatives who can take my kids for a day or two.  I have no friends who can realistically do that either.  Yes, I can leave my house with the kids in it but its not the same as having someone swoop down and say "Gee, you must need a break, let me..."

The Hubby is stressed out and he needs a break too - so that is on me.  He does a great job of taing the kids when he can.  We help each other, and that is good, but it is not the same as knowing you are getting a break...or you have someone to call to get that break.

Date nights are nice and are pretty much the ONLY alone time we get as a couple.  With school getting out soon all of my alone time will be gone.  I guess I am regretting that I didn't get enough done while the kids were at school and I am still going to have to do so much more when they are out.  Maybe I am regretting being a mom.  Maybe I am regretting the choices that led me here.

*sigh*


Maybe everyone needs a moment to relive the past so they can let go of the past.  It clings to your heart...those dreams that you never got to live...those goodbyes you never got to say.  Its closes in on you making it harder to breathe...because you had a moment of what might have been...instead of what is.

So I will take this moment of what might have been and I will look into my daughter's eyes.  I will take this frustration and play a game with my son.  I will take some time and sing with my heart open.  Because this is me....this is where I am....and maybe its really ok.

Being a Professional Priestess

Should I or Shouldn't I?

Check out this article from Cat Tredwell - a Druid Priest working her way...

Its a busy life...:)

Life....is what you make it

I have been silent because alot of stuff has been going on.  Not anything to be concerned with, just life.  Life goes on even when you want it to stand still...

I have been walking/jogging 3 times a week so I can get healthy.  I have been trying to Weight Watch again and I lost 7 pounds...then I got lazy and sick so points aren't being counted until I feel like I can eat again (I am saying this as I am drinking a glass of wine so I am guessing I am ok).  My clothes are fitting better and I feel good.  I still hate exercise but I am looking forward to extra yoga classes in the summer.

Kids are moving up grades and with that comes parties and goodbyes.  The Hummingbird is saying goodbye to elementary school.  The Diva has a mini Prom coming up (OMG!!).  A very good friend and ally has decided to send her kids to private school.  It makes me sad and happy at the same time.  Sad because I have lost one of the best voices for public school I have ever had.  Happy because her kids will likely thrive - but I will miss her fighting the fight next to me.

Everyone in this house has attitude that both my husband and I put blame on the other.  Lots of talkback and lots of growing up.  They are testing their boundaries and its fine.  Its annoying and I don't like it but its a part of life and I have to deal.  The Boy is really pushing back on almost everything and instead of screaming at him (which makes him scream at me and so on) I have taken to calmly saying "Do not yell at me" and that seems to work...for now...

I am very happy that school is about to end.  I have been sick of school since January - homework has been out of control (for The Diva anyway) and school obligations are insane.  It seems that every week there is another check to be written or another presentation that I "need" to be at...and I am done with all of it.  This Friday is a Fun Carnival day and I told the President of the PTO "If you really need me I will be there but I would like to sit this one out, please."

I was given an award for Girl Scouts for my years of service and My Hummingbird's troop earned their Bronze Award.  We are hoping that The Diva and a friend can earn the Silver Award over the summer.  I am considering co-leading The Boy's Troop since no other parent will come forward and this is important to me and he loves it.

Given all of this I haven't been able to go to my UU church at all.  Its been too much and I need the break.  I am glad they are winding down too (our church closes for the summer) so I can have a bit of time again. I may be joining a committee there and my purpose for this is to wave the pagan flag and remind people that its not all about Judeo/Christian here.

I haven't really been able to circle at home either.  I have tried to take moments and I feel The Goddess near me but I am in the middle of my own stuff and She knows it.  When this used to happen I would feel guilty of not worshipping but lately I have heard in my heart "I will always be here, and I know your love.  Do what you have to do."  It seems She is a Mom, alright, and understands.

I am feeling comfortable in my skin and I almost feel that I do not have to fight as hard against it or for it.  I am feeling OK.  I am a little lonely but that is a good thing.  I am feeling a bit creative here and there but not the stress of "I HAVE TO DO THIS".  Its been peaceful and its been fine.  

Summer will come and I am sure that it will bring stress and chaos of living the life of Homemaker but for now I am happy to welcome it in.  May you also be able to welcome it in...

Peace
DM

3 views of Pagan Deism

This is a great article from The Pagan Perspective on HOW a pagan thinks of the Gods.  I know that I fall into blue moving a bit toward green...I also know and have practiced with people who fall into yellow and red...which color are you?

Three Views of Pagan Deism

Spirit Rice

Tara Black writes a Blog called Spirit Rice.  She also wrote a Fabulous book called On the Right Path: Walking through God to Get to the Goddess...if you like her style I would urge you to read the book and her blog.  This is her latest offering:

To ME or not to ME

Enjoy!
DM

Bridging

My world is changing.  This may well be the last summer of sending kids to camps.  I will soon have 3 children in 3 different schools, 2 (well let's face it 3) sets of new attitudes and here I am, a mom trying to figure this brave new world.  So much of my life is "on hold" as I try to make sense of each step...I have to take each day one step at a time, one day at a time or I will miss everything.

I am always stressed out.  My schedule looks like the Invasion of Normandy. Every. Day.  I am drowning in emails I need to send, things I need to do.  I get super-pissy when I ask for a meeting or an email or something and I don't hear back from people.  I snap when I think people are judging me.  I get sad when I think people are ignoring me.

Life as a Mom has gotten really hard...again (!) and it actually makes me wish for 2 toddlers again (seriously).  I don't do well with change.  I want the routine.  I want the peace of mind knowing that A follows B and follows C.  Everyday is a new exception to the rules.  Everyday is a new fire to put out.

Yesterday was my last ever Junior Girl Scout meeting.  These girls are all going to different schools and joining different clubs and I don't know if they are ever going to get back together.  They gave me a book to say thank you.  A book that had a page for each of them to tell me how much I had changed their lives.  I was blown away (and yes I cried).  I needed to hear that.  In the midst of all the Chaos, I needed to hear that I helped them and made the world a better place for them and that they would take some of these lessons from Girl Scouts and bring them to their new schools.

It's funny, When my kids graduate or bridge I don't feel like I am graduating with them, but maybe I am.
Maybe I am bridging to a new part of life.   And maybe the reason I am so stressed and mad is because I really want to stay on the bridge and have both worlds.

But maybe I need to get excited about being on the other side.

Beltane Blessings

Its May, Its May

The month of yes you may...

Beltane is the opposite of Samhain...it is an in-between time of high magic and energy.  It is anticipating the light that is coming at Summer Solstice and it is a celebration of Spring to Summer.  

The holidays that precede Beltane have all talked about Spring (Imbolc and Equinox) but Beltane is when you really feel it.  You can get "twitterpated" (from the Disney movie "Bambi") you can get excited, you can get motivated, and you can get overwhelmed and feel run over.  EVERYONE wants to do things in May or in anticipation of May (this weekend alone was packed for me and the week before was planning for the weekend and ACK!).  AND THEN After May is June and after June is SUMMER!

Let's take a step back for a minute.  We, or at least I, want to be present in the day, making the day count.  Media and School and Calendars force you to look forward all. the. time.  What's next, is on everyone's lips, instead of What's NOW.  We are at NOW now... its the high energy and the happiness of finding something new.  That excitement is what spring is all about.  Beltane is the ultimate day of give me what I want RIGHT NOW and DAMN WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

So go out and get that ice cream or that pedicure.  Snatch 5 minutes RIGHT NOW to do something you never do...and enjoy it...try not to feel guilty and take some pleasure in it.  After all, this is the Month of "Yes, you May."

Happy Beltane!!