Change of Heart

Its interesting - I just read last week's post and it seems so nice.

Too Bad there's a big fat dose of regret washing all over this page...

Sometimes, like RIGHT NOW, I get beyond frustrated at my life.  Generally when I get like this a speech starts up in my head "I don't want to be the mom responsible for this family!  I want to do my own thing and live in my own apartment away from all of this drama!  I should have gone to school for (insert dream here) instead of music.  I could have been someone."


I was supposed to be a singer/actress.  I did my best and auditioned.  I did have a band in NYC and I did play in some clubs...but it never really panned out.  The singing thing makes me more frustrated than anyone will ever understand.  I long to be on stage and doing that but my voice is not the same as it used to be and that is a hard pill to swallow.  And when you are surrounded by amazing musicians you can feel very small, like you don't matter.  It feels like no one cares but me...like its a secret that only I have.  I want to feel needed, I want the support and people pushing me to do better and be better.  I don't want to hang out in karaoke bars by myself and sing.  I want to go with people that I like that want to do this too.  I want to be a part of group that enjoys this and sings not just Christian songs but also great secular ones that work well with the group.

The church that I go to is a very nice place and community but they want too much of my time and all I really want are other pagans to practice with.  I don't want to worship in a Protestant space listening to what one person thinks should be with lesson this week.  I want to have a group that we ALL get a say as to what we talk about and we learn from each other.


Where do I want to be?  Not here.  I want to be traveling around the world and trying new foods and singing songs that someone writes for me.  I want to be someone's muse and I want to be a size 10 and eat all the ice cream I want.

*pout* *HURUMPH* *double pout*

Yes, I am having a tantrum.  Really, its no wonder.  Time is so over scheduled these days and I don't have any help.  I have no relatives who can take my kids for a day or two.  I have no friends who can realistically do that either.  Yes, I can leave my house with the kids in it but its not the same as having someone swoop down and say "Gee, you must need a break, let me..."

The Hubby is stressed out and he needs a break too - so that is on me.  He does a great job of taing the kids when he can.  We help each other, and that is good, but it is not the same as knowing you are getting a break...or you have someone to call to get that break.

Date nights are nice and are pretty much the ONLY alone time we get as a couple.  With school getting out soon all of my alone time will be gone.  I guess I am regretting that I didn't get enough done while the kids were at school and I am still going to have to do so much more when they are out.  Maybe I am regretting being a mom.  Maybe I am regretting the choices that led me here.

*sigh*


Maybe everyone needs a moment to relive the past so they can let go of the past.  It clings to your heart...those dreams that you never got to live...those goodbyes you never got to say.  Its closes in on you making it harder to breathe...because you had a moment of what might have been...instead of what is.

So I will take this moment of what might have been and I will look into my daughter's eyes.  I will take this frustration and play a game with my son.  I will take some time and sing with my heart open.  Because this is me....this is where I am....and maybe its really ok.