I didn't have the Happiest of Childhoods. Lots of things happened (that I am NOT going to get into here) and it made me to never want to have kids. Then I met My Hubby and I thought "ok, MAYBE I will have one kid" and then BOOM we got pregnant and then we had another (so the first one wasn't lonely) and then another (oopsie).
I swore when I had this little life in me that I would do whatever I could to let her/him have a better childhood than mine. I would play with them, cook and make projects with them, have parties and do my best to give them anything they need to be happy (that we can afford...I mean really people, some of these lessons and things are too expensive and no one needs lacrosse or drama at 3). I was able to find gymnastics/dance/swim at reasonable prices and I also was very lucky to find a pre-school not too far away that had the perfect hours (with no volunteering, WOO!) and again a great price. I think I did good and the kids seem to agree. They don't want for anything. They don't seem to whine (too much). They ask for reasonable things and the lessons I can provide for them are fun and affordable. They seem happy.
When they turned 5 they went to the all-day kindergarden that my town has (again, WOO!). School starts to become more important in 4th and 5th grade and then they are shipped to middle school where it becomes: ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES THE KIDS CRAZY. I understand this and I know everyone needs downtime. Its hard to provide downtime tho' when you have a kid who takes forever to do any kind of homework (Calculus = 2 hours, Crossword puzzle = 2 hours, Reading one chapter = 2 hours).
My husband and I have always stressed that Homework is First and everything else comes second. Lately, its been more of a struggle because she wants extra-curricular activities and then she wants to make money babysitting and she needs to exercise...and she takes forever doing her homework. When all of this happens on one night and she is up late let me tell you of the cranky! (Oh BOY!)
This is my little girl, my first girl, The Diva who dances around the house, loves dress up, is super helpful and patient with her brother and sister. She holds my hand and give me hugs. And she is growing up and I can't wait to see the woman she is becoming.
ENTER FRIDAY *DUN DUN DUUUNNNNN*
We got a call from a teacher who told us that she wasn't handing in homework, grades are being affected, "I don't think she will be ready for the tests this week"...and I froze in my tracks.
Let's backtrack a bit. She pulled this kind of thing on us right before the holidaze and LIED about what she had to do and what she was assigned. She did a great job of hiding all of it from us (I'm sure it was easy due to family and parties) then she got an F on her progress report (and she freaked out). She swore it will be fine and it would never happen again. We can contact all the teachers and see if there was anything else and really it would NEVER happen again.
And yet, here we are.
At the time of the progress report, both my husband and I thought that since she has now seen the effect of a failing grade and she had shown remorse it seemed to be punishment enough. We don't like to punish. Time-outs happen and we talk about why they were in time-out (jumping off the table is not acceptable behavior) but we don't like to take away anything from our kids unless we have to. We have always explained our actions and we give plenty of warning before we lay out anything (If you do that one. more. time. the game goes away).
This was different and we knew we had to set an example. Weeks ago, we told her that if she didn't straighten up she would lose the play. She fell behind and we caught her lying and we gave her at least 3 or 4 more chances to do the right thing. Then we got the phone call. And I looked at My Hubby and I said "I don't want to take away the play. She has a good part! UGH! Why couldn't she just tell the truth? Or ask us for help? Why do we have to do this?! I don't want to be the parent!!!"
No parent (except for a sick few) takes any joy in punishing a child, seeing them cry is heart-wrenching and all you want to do is make it stop and make them happy. And yet, as parents, we have to "make them cry" so we know that they know that what they did is wrong and they are feeling remorse. We have to be firm and we have to be the bad guy and it Sucks. Royally.
When she came home I calmly took her upstairs to her room. I asked her for all her electronics, and the script, and the CD's. Then I told her that she was grounded. This means she can't watch TV or any videos on the computer and she can't go to the events planned for that weekend...which included a Girl Scout overnight. And. She. SCREAMED....and I closed the door.
I had never actually heard her scream like this. It was sad and pathetic and it should have made me run back in and ask what was wrong. But I went downstairs and held my head in my hands. And I waited. Because once you punish, all you can do is wait for the "sentence" to be over. When I went back upstairs she was still in tears but she was doing her homework. She pleaded with me to let her go to the overnight. If she finished everything could she still go? The answer was no, because she had lied for months about this. Every time she danced downstairs singing she had finished her homework was a lie. She begged me to just take away the play but not the overnight. Truthfully, none of this was what we warned her about but how could we let her do anything when we warned her not to test us to see the consequences. Its stupid to say "Fine I'll take away the play and you can go to the party with your friends." That is not how it works. I looked at her and said, calmly, "I can't do that." My insides were burning and I felt sick.
Saturday came and I left. I don't think she thought that I would ACTUALLY leave the house without her. My Hubby told me that he held her while she cried it out. But now she knew. She knew this was not something we were going to back down from. Lessons (hopefully) learned. When I came home I didn't get a happy greeting from her. I could tell she was really mad at me. But what could I do? I had to be the parent...and parents sometimes get the crappy end of the deal. I couldn't care that she hated me or not. I was the grown up. It was almost like my punishment for letting her get away with it for so long.
Things have settled down since the weekend and because so many things were taken away from her (and she still isn't allowed her electronics or the TV) we were able to give her back the play. And I could tell that she was genuinely happy to have the script back in her hands. We gave her the script with a warning, if she falls behind again we call the drama coach and she is out. She knows we aren't kidding and I think she is sincere. She hugged me and said "Thank you" and kissed me on the cheek and then said "I love you". Even after all of this, inside she is still the little girl who wants to help and snuggle and hold your hand when she walks down the street. And inside of me is still the parent who would do anything for her...so she can be happy.
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