When you decide to become a mother you are making a huge sacrifice in control. I believe that is one of the First Lessons of Motherhood. When you are pregnant you are told of a "Due Date" and so you plan everything by that date and when it comes and goes and you are still huge and pregnant you start to see that maybe this isn't what you signed up for. My babies were all born at 41.5 weeks and I was lucky to be able to do it naturally. I know many moms that loved having a planned C-Section so they can know when that baby is coming. Its something they can control, because once the baby is out it is not in your control anymore. You don't know what kind of baby you are going to get, easy and sleepy or colicky and fussy? You are also not in control of your body anymore. You give up your breasts so you can feed them. You give up sleep so you can take care of them when they are little. All mothers give up a job - even if its just for a few months - when a baby is born. We give up all this control because babies are helpless and they need you. It has its reward because babies are freaking cute and sweet and we love that smile we get when we walk into the room. We are happy taking care of them (even if we are a bit deprived ourselves) but even though we gave up control of so many things we can be in control of what they are wearing and where they go. Its kind of a Quid pro Quo and life is good.
When the Baby becomes a Toddler they still need us but there is a demand now. We may have gotten our body back and (hopefully) some sleep but the Toddler is in control of what you do. Again, this can be a good thing - they can tell us what they want without crying. And sometimes it drives us crazy because if they want something outside of our control (usually time when there is none) they will demand that this is changed - i.e. they do not want the stroller thankyouverymuch, they "do myself". What they are really after is your attention as much as humanly possible. I used to call my kids "my Stalkers" because they followed me everywhere and I never got a moment alone...until sweet, sweet naptime. But control over schedules is slowly eroding away...even when a toddler is on a good schedule its only a matter of time before the nap is over and then we have them with us (and in our faces) all. the. time. For me when the Toddler turned 2 and 3 it starts to feel like a prison sentence and you are waiting for your parole (i.e. pre-school) when you can get out and be alone for a few hours a week. And it is bliss...Until you realize all the things you can do when they are in pre-school and then you sacrifice your precious hour alone with multi-tasking and trying to see if you can squeeze in a grocery run before you have to go get them. Beware the Danger of getting pregnant in the middle of all of this, because that means more sacrifice and even less control and you may think you don't have anything more to give...your second (third) child will prove this wrong.
When the Toddlers turn into Kids there is a lot more independence and some hours alone (Goddess Bless the School System) but you are still not in control of your life...they are. Now its all about the school concert or play, or the field trip that you promised you would come to, the Scout meeting, the extra lesson before the game, The Game, etc. This particular week for me has been about driving one child 10 miles to a camp while the other children are in a local camp (at the same time) and trying to coordinate how they are getting picked up. Even with a bit of glorious alone time in the middle of drop off and pick up I am still waiting on them and picking up their things and trying to remember their schedule...while cleaning and organizing the house and myself.
I read the book "Surrendering to Motherhood" by Iris Krasnow when I had 2 babies and I was losing my mind. It helped me to see that my decision to have these kids and take care of them was a type of surrender to them. It helped me to let go of things that I couldn't control (the weather) and find what I could control (playtime) to have fun with my kids. Maybe I should read that book again but I don't think it deals with the grade school set as well as it deals with the Toddler set. Toddlers really don't understand WHY you need time away from them (that's just crazy talk right there) surrendering to them (even when you really don't want to) is what has to be done because they don't understand that Mommy Needs Space. You have to let go of that willingly and set up a system (partner comes home early, mother's helpers, nice neighbor) so you can have some time. Grade School kids understand that everybody needs some alone/down time but they don't necessarily care...because its all about them right? Mommy's feelings couldn't possibly count, could they?
My kids are good kids but, now that they are older, I think I can have the control I once had over my life. I can go to the store on my own and take some time at the gym. However, I still don't have total control - they are big kids but they are still kids. Even though they can choose what they want to do, like playing on the computer or watching awful sitcoms/cartoons that they find funny, they still play off each other and ask me to intercede or play a game with them. The emotional and physical exhaustion sets in because you think they can do these things on their own and you are struggling with being nice to them and trying to be understanding but all you really want to say is "go away and let me think". I have been very frustrated with them lately and I have been lashing out, telling them to do it themselves and being a little more mouthy to them (which doesn't score me points in the popularity contests around here). Maybe I need to surrender to them a little more often or maybe I need to have them help me problem solve this.
The fact is kids grow up and as the adult you aren't expected to control them but let them explore their surroundings. You can't control who your kid is friends with when they are in middle school. You can't control your time if your child has any obligations outside of the home. Control in this situation isn't about controlling the kids...this time its about controlling yourself, reminding yourself not to be frustrated or mouthy. Its about remembering that you chose this path and your kid, who you feel represents you, isn't you. They are their own person and they are allowed to screw up on their own.
My son was hit by a car this summer. He wasn't doing anything that he wouldn't have done with me. He just didn't look while crossing the street. What happened would've happened whether I was there or not. It was out of my control. My first reaction was to beat myself up or yell at him. What I did do was try to calm him down and try to not freak out. Luckily he was alright (just some stitches needed) and what he needed was a mom in control of her emotions so that the right medical decisions could be made. It was a very stressful situation but, because I was in control, it ended well for everyone.
Motherhood is Forever...something you don't really think about when they are small and in your arms. Control is holding your breath, trusting them and letting them go. Surrendering them to the world...and don't worry too much...they always come back...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJONY9FndlU
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