My sweet Diva,
You made me a Mother. You showed me that I can take care of a baby human. You taught me patience. You showed me how to play. You told me when you kissed me and hugged me that I was a good and wonderful person and that you love me. You helped me to realize that schedules don't always go the way you planned and that it was ok. I loved watching your face change expression with each day learning something new. I loved your baby laughter and how you made sure to watch Blue's Clues in your Thinking Chair everyday. You made sure that the videotapes wound up on the floor in the pile you liked every. damn. day. You loved being outside running down the hill or in the park. You loved dress up and playing with any kind of ball.
Kindergarten changed you somehow. I don't know if it was just being 5 or going to a new school. You became quieter. You liked school just fine but you didn't want to be social anymore. You wanted things your way (because at home it wasn't just your way anymore...you had a little brother and a little sister to contend with) and you took a firm stand that if you didn't want to do something you wouldn't do it. I worked with you and tried to help you find your own way to fix your problems or do your homework. I taught you to stand up for yourself and be proud of who you are.
Now you are getting ready for your last year in Middle School...and you are no longer a little girl. You can fit into women's clothes and shoes. Responsibility is a big deal right now. You are responsible for the kids at the camp you are going to, for your younger siblings, for your summer homework and getting things done around the house....and you are responsible for your words and actions (and attitude). You are growing up.
I know this totally freaks you out. I know this because you have been very distraught over the loss of your little girl room and "the fairies that watch over you at night". Your little girl room is no longer yours. You have your own room now and soon you will be sleeping in it alone. I know you are scared about this and probably a million other things. I'm sorry that its taking a toll on you. I will hold you and hug you for as long as you need to come to terms but you are not getting that room back. Just like I am not getting the little girl that you once were back. We both have to face the fact that you are going to be 13 and somethings are changing forever.
Change is scary and it can be hard. However, you are a beautiful, strong girl. You are determined to make this life what you want, just like you were when you were 2. I know you can't go back to being 2 or 5 or even 10, and I don't think you want to, really. You just want some time to embrace the fun of being a little kid for a bit longer. I will do all I can to make that happen. I know you don't want to abandon your childhood just yet and you're not. You are just realizing that being home and listening to your music is sometimes better than going out to the park with me...and that is okay. We all find our way to being older. Some of us hide behind a book or headphones. Other people like letting other people tell them what to do or say. Still others find people who are like them and share a real friendship and grow up with them. They are all okay choices as long as you don't abandon who you are inside.
Inside of you I still see that little girl, who crawled inside a milk crate and sat up in it and looked at me with her dark eyes and smiled, mischievously. Don't lose her. She is really important and special to me. She always knew who she was and she loved being here. Embrace her and love her...she will guide your heart and soul...and you will end up being who you were meant to be.
And I am glad and proud that I get a front row seat...
I will love you for always,
D'Mom
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